Welcome gentle readers to the first report from the newly formed Quality Review Board. We are part of a new initiative spearheaded by the Overministry of Plenty to educate and inform the public about making smart purchases. Our first report will focus on the technological disaster that is the iPod Shuffle.

Secret Conspiracy World Government

Versus

The iPod Shuffle

Round 1 - Overview

Riding the phenomenal success of the iPod MP3 player, Apple released a scaled back version of the iPod aimed at those who can't afford to be cutting edge. They dubbed it the iPod shuffle. Take a quick look at its amazing array of features:

• A play/pause button
• A ring button to increase and decrease volume or skip and rewind. Amazing!
• Absolutely no display whatsoever. Apple adheres to our belief that too much information only leads to trouble and for that we salute them.
• An internal battery that charges via USB. One of the few things we liked.
• A mini-headphone jack. Apple couldn't use a regular headphone jack because then you wouldn't use Apple's iPhones, a $50 set of ear bud headphones that makes all music sound like two mechanical apes having rough sex in 45-gallon steel drum.
• iTunes, the greatest piece of music software ever created and just so you remember we'll show dozens and dozens of sexy silhouettes dancing and jiving to hip music while Bono from U2 undulates and wheezes into the microphone.

Round 2 - Looks

The Shuffle is the same width and only slightly longer than your average USB memory stick. It's front features one play/pause button and the ring around the button allows you to skip songs and adjust volume. The rear face has the slider switch that toggles between random shuffle, linear play, and off. Long, thin, white, and lacking almost any sort of interface, this reviewer thought it looked like a squashed tampon.

Round 3 – Setup

Installation is simple if you're insane and/or use a Mac. For the other 94% of the computer users who use Windows XP it appears the sailing is not so smooth. Disaster struck only several minutes after inserting the driver CD. The software informed us that the iPod shuffle had to be formatted. That seemed reasonable enough, despite the fact that no other USB storage device we've ever used had such requirements. But this was the iPod shuffle, no mere MP3 player. Perhaps the divine energy that is locked within can only be properly harnessed after a powerful holy rite is performed.

Fast forward two hours…

After one-hundred and twenty minutes of watching the formatting progress bar march across the bottom of the screen only to start over when it reached the end (happened at least twice), the setup program decided to inform us that there was a problem communicating with the iPod. The program suggested that I had not plugged in the iPod properly. Hinted that perhaps no such iPod even existed.

Round 4 – Sound Quality

No fucking idea, because we couldn't get the goddamn thing installed. We went to Apples website and visited the tech forums. In the name of the almighty the things you have to do to get it working. Unplug all other USB devices, uninstall your printers, stick your dick in the floppy drive. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US? IS IT BLOOD? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

Round 5 – Returning it to the Mother Fucking Store

Yeah, fuck that. Went a bought a Sandisk MP3 player that has (gasp) a display! Same size, less money. We should have known folks, we should have known.

Final Verdict

Hello loyal citizens, hello! Hello to those of you who wept softly in the night during our long silence. Hello to those that in the name of Electro-Jesus went forth and launched Wars of Faith against your neighbours and co-workers! Hello to the brave men in our fighting forces who even now struggle valiantly against our most hated foe, the wretched fungus men who swarm from their subterranean lairs to destroy our way of life and our massive Dredge Engines that each day destroy miles and miles of their habitat in our endless strip mining operations!

Hello and welcome back from your Summer Vacations!

No doubt you were clamoring during these long months for our guidance and wisdom. Like ugly children left in a forest of screaming horrors you were forced to suffer through an endless night of terror. Well the sun has risen gentle readers and your gracious benefactors have returned. No doubt you are curious about what we here at the Secret Conspiracy World Government have been doing these past weeks. I can safely say we were not idle, apart from upper management of course. No, a veritable plethora of secret projects, internecine power struggles, and hidden agendas both great and small have been proceeding with the utmost haste. I'd like to take this time to shed some light into the recent activities of some of our more notable departments and personalities.

Cabal Central Archives

Sadly work on the Sunless Warren has run into some minor setbacks, mostly caused by the horrible Mummy the science team loosed after opening a casket sealed with human flesh and etched warning in no less then seventeen ancient languages. Our Director of Internal Security is confident the Mummy situation will soon be resolved and work can continue on sub-level 5, zone 44K. As such Central Archives has not been completely moved into their new lodgings. Cabal Historian Sylvia Rommel, apparently after receiving a vision sent to her by missing Archistorian Mr. Bookbinder, is leading an expedition to find the fabled Vaults of Tlanxla, which was lost over 1500 years ago. Legends say it rests somewhere in the jungles of the Lacadona Rainforest. It is there where the Seven Indestructible Sages engraved the first revision of the Consolidation Timetable into an obsidian slab before they disappeared into the mists of time. Many individuals have undertaken this holy crusade to recover the first timetable, but none have succeeded. A few, like Murphy “Gusto” Magilicutty (1922), were never heard from again. Their fate, like that of the first revision, remains a mystery.

Ministry of Extreme Child Services

Always seeking to help and protect our most vulnerable citizens, the Ministry of Extreme Child Services has followed up the rousing success of their modernized nursery rhymes with The Gamma Initiative, an ambitious project designed to put a crimp on unwanted teenage pregnancies. Like all our great inventions, they adopted an existing idea and added more lasers and plutonium. In this case they started with a good old-fashioned chastity belt and ran with it. The Chastisizer Mk I doesn't rely on mere physical barriers, that's far too crude and lacks the aforementioned lasers we all love so much. No, the Chastisizer relies on highly advanced targeting matrix and a 200 mega-watt Hieser-Lundorff Laser Canon to thwart the advances of any would-be Romeos. The optional fanny-mounted power reactor can increase the beam strength by over 200%, making this a useful anti-tank weapon as well.

Information Minister Neil Belmont

The Information Minister disappeared under mysterious circumstances after his home exploded, fell over, and then exploded again. His summer home, car, and cat, Professor Fuzzypaws, also exploded. The official investigation concluded this was the result of sunspot activity. Thought dead for over five months, Mr. Belmont was sighted two weeks ago in a small Mexican village. He had taken the name Emilio Cortez and raised twelve prize goats. When our Recovery Teams were sent in to reign in our missing Minister he took to the air on a crudely constructed homemade rocket that was apparently powered by a combination of goat manure and tequila.

His current whereabouts are unknown. If you spot Neil Belmont please email us at operations_directorate@secretgovernment.org

International Neo-Religion Institute

Their gaze ever skyward, the staff at INRI have been eagerly anticipating the return our wayward savior, Electro-Jesus. After a crushing defeat at the hands of the Antipope, our metallurgic master fled to the infinite beyond and disappeared off all our tracking systems. Every day we pray for his glorious return from the heavens. In the meantime enjoy this reprieve from the usual smiting and disintegration that marks his passage.

Pope Torquemada continues to be an endless source of wisdom and withering skin infections. Thousands gather to hear his papal bulls, which cover such topics as “Cake's I'd Like to One Day Eat” and “Sounds I Hear When I'm Alone and Naked”

Reverend Theodore Malcridian

Police have unfortunately arrested the Reverend after he burned down an elementary school in North Dakota three days ago. Reports are still sketchy, but witnesses claim he held an impromptu witch trial in the cafeteria, led a mob of second graders to torch the library, and performed exorcisms on five students a class pet. Exorcisms apparently including body slams and flying elbow drops; as one student sobbingly related “He just kept yelling ‘ Whatcho gonna do brother? ' and ‘ Off the top rope! '”

Until our lawyers are able to sort out this delicious gumbo of assault and child endangerment charges, the good Reverend will remain in the custody of the local authorities.

It is the regretful decision of the Department of Education and Rehabilitation that Reverend Malcridian probably wasn't the best choice to send when we were asked if someone would speak at their Career Day.

And so you have it loyal citizens, a gripping account of how some of us here at the SCWG spent our summer term. Stay tuned for our next update which will include further scenes to astonish and divert, including those of a bawdy nature which our lady readers, being of a more delicate sensibility, may wish to avoid.

Hello groveling masses!

As you're all no doubt aware, the much anticipated summer vacation season is almost upon us once again. While no one of any importance in the Secret Conspiracy World Government hierarchy cares much for the concept of granting vacations or sick days to people making fewer than six figures annually, there's no denying that we are currently bound by a grim code of secrecy to maintain the shallow façade of national and international labour regulations.

And, of course, it's no secret that we here at the Secret Conspiracy World Government have been painted in a certain negative light by such influential figures and institutions as the International Criminal Court and renegade scientist and electric windmill car inventor Greg Buell, which makes the 2005 vacation season a perfect opportunity to show you, the lesser people, that we care. So read on, good servant, and see what are the many options presented for all your leisure considerations, that you may return from your vacation all rested up, dull of mind, and ready to work.

Travel Package #1: Niger

The majestic Nigerien landscape. Not pictured: locust swarms.

Does the thought of reclining on a private beach under a blazing hot sun appeal to you? Of course it does—only communists and mole-people hate the sun! Do you dream of someday overthrowing the Bourgeoisie? Are you a blind, hairless abomination who seeks to undermine the grand designs of Man? Of course not!

So come to Niger for the working holiday of your dreams! The sun beats down unceasingly, until finally disappearing with the coming of the cool, African night. Or the pestilent, sun-blocking locust swarms which will consume the clothes and flesh of the unwary, but if you buy insurance this shouldn't be a problem. And then there's the beach! You won't be the only one there, but with over 1 million square kilometers of sand, it'll sure feel like you're alone. And when you feel it's time to cool down, why not stroll down to Lake Chad, conveniently located a mere 150km or so across the south-eastern frontier.

When you're done hitting the beaches, why not take in some of the local flora and fauna? Most of the giraffes and elephants are going quick thanks to the miracle of the modern poacher, but Niger has many other fine, but often overlooked, wildlife specimens to boast of. Wait around long enough and you're sure to spy the largest pubic lice known to man, as well as fascinating creatures such as the Djerma, which may be a marsupial of some kind, and the Beri Beri which doubtless has some fantastic medical property yet to be discovered.

When you're done with the wildlife, try taking in the local vegetation. Permanent crops occupy only 0.01% of Niger's vast expanse, so your odds of finding a farm probably aren't good, but there is much in the way of wild plants to admire! Wonders of botany such as the cactus, and…and…the other cactus! You see it? No? Shade your eyes. Now squint. Yes, there it is, over there on the horizon! A veritable forest of cacti in the world's most fruitful blasted wasteland!

And then to top it all off, there's the local people and culture! The local people. What can one say about the people of a landlocked nation that has signed on to the international Law of the Sea? Despite an astonishingly low literacy rate the people of Niger are the proud upholders of a republic that is soon due to celebrate six coup free years! And Niger's laws are astonishingly liberal by any standard, as evidenced by the government's granting of citizenship rights to automobiles. According to Fun Time Worcations' sources, Volkswagen Touaregs are considered the fourth largest ethnic group, comprising an astonishing 8% of the population!

Also, they have a mountain! And lots of quaint little desert towns which are probably mirages and delusions brought on by thirst!

Truly anyone would enjoy two months in mysterious Niger, so how can Fun Time Worcations offer such fantastic deals for free ? It's obvious: it's a working holiday and you're working for us!

“Hellos to you! I am governor of a small nearby village that may or may not exist.”

With most of the Nigerien population busy trying to scrape together enough food to survive long enough for one of the country's few remaining hippopotami to eat them, and the remainder either filling governorship positions in imaginary desert villages or seeking gainful employment in the small but growing AIDS export market, we need to import willing foreign workers to toil in the uranium pits of Central Niger.

You'll be working one week on, one week off, so you'll have plenty of time to soak up the local scene, and Fun Time Worcations is dedicated to making every day spent choking in the hellish, subterranean uranium pits as enjoyable as possible! You will eat only the finest cotton, horses, and soap that Niger's meager agricultural and industrial sectors can provide. Once each day you will be bathed in the cozy glow of the decontamination chamber and have the evil spirits beaten from your body with bricks by local holy men and militiamen. Fun Time Worcations is dedicated to helping the starving brick makers of Niger overtake cement manufacturers as the country's second largest industry; it's part of our parallel commitment to Third World development!

So come one, come all, to magical Niger and experience Africa as only Fun Time Worcations can bring it to you!

Fun Time Worcations—a proud subsidiary of Shitsuma Industrial Concern and the New World Order Advanced Nuclear Weapons Research Agency!

Travel Package #2: Niue

When most people think of the myriad tiny isles of the South Pacific, they think of balmy sea breezes, lazy days in the sun, and nubile, topless Polynesian womenfolk. Well-known destinations such as Bali, Samoa, and Palau have long drawn the bulk of the region's tourists with their air-conditioned luxury resorts, vibrant cultures, and lax banking laws—but not for much longer!

Come discover the South Pacific's best kept and least sought out secret: Niue!

A self-governing dependency of New Zealand, Niue offers balmy sea breezes and lazy days in the sun. Though distinctly lacking in nubile, topless Polynesian womenfolk, Niue does offer a far rarer glimpse of authentic Polynesian heritage: un-Christianized cannibal head-hunters!

For eons visitors to tropical Nieu have been enthralled and entranced by the island's bounty of coconuts. This man later went insane and killed his family with a beanbag chair full of lead pellets.

Niue may appear a touch primitive for some—the basic administrative unit is the village, and rugby passes for the national sport—but that's only half the story. Niue also bears many of the hallmarks of a dynamic modern society, such as an unjustifiably large government apparatus that runs constant deficits, and postage stamps. Yes, postage stamps. Along with coconut farming, producing coconut products, fishing and working for the government, the sale of postage stamps to foreign collectors dominates the island's economy.

Awaiting you, the tourist, in Niue is a leisurely three week jaunt around the island's coastline, famed for its great natural beauty prior to the devastating January 2004 hurricane which has left much the island a recovering disaster zone. Starting in Niue's quaint capital village, Alofi, you will work your way around the island's northern half, visiting four delightful local towns.

Your first stop will be in scenic Hikutavake. While there, you will stay at the folksy and authentically Polynesian Fort Schädelbruch , built by shipwrecked German sailors in the 19 th century in the hopes of keeping the friendly natives from giving them any more gottverdammt coconuts. Activities include surfing, taking in displays of authentic Polynesian folk dancing at Lakatani's Topless Love Shack, and negotiating the vintage World War II mine-field that, oddly, appeared on the town's southern perimeter sometime during the 1960s.

From there it's on to Mutalau, home to the island dependency's world-renowned football making industry. Accommodations are in short supply, and if you aren't lucky enough to make it into one Mutalau's graceful concrete bunkers before nightfall it is recommended that you make a large bonfire and arm yourself with primitive spears in order to fight off the horrific man-crabs who emerge from the reef each night to prey on the flesh of the innocent. During the days, Mutalau offers extensive shopping opportunities, provided that one is obsessed almost to the point of sexual fetishism with coconut shell drinking cups, coconut milk, and postage stamps featuring coconuts and, maybe, fish.

In simpler times, the local people made crude icons of the crab people they worshipped. Now they are considered the local delicacy.

After Mutalau come Lakepa and Liku which, notwithstanding any Redeye Travel promotional material you may have seen, are both pretty much identical and rather dull.

The southern half of the island has been officially off-limits since a team of rogue scholars awakened the terrible custodian of the ancient Catacombs of the Elder God Laoiueiueao located in the gently rolling hills outside of Avatele. In light of this disturbance, the Redeye Travel Tour of Niue now concludes with a frantic dash across the trackless jungle interior of the island, where the slower tourists must match wits and courage with fearsome primitive headhunters. Upon return to Alofi, memorial services for the fallen will be held at the official Redeye Travel Chapel.

By the time you get back to Alofi, Redeye Travel will probably have been grounded again by the FAA for numerous safety violations, so hopefully you purchased enough stamps to mail yourself home. Those who find themselves marooned on the island are invited to join the headhunters; most of them are survivors of the crash of Redeye Flight #117, and they have been known to welcome stranded travelers into their midst.

We look forward to traveling with you—both ways if possible!

Travel Package #3: The Glorious Exalted Republic of Irvingtopia

Formerly an isolated but politically stable English-speaking nation, The Glorious Exalted Republic of Irvingtopia has declined into near anarchy following a bloody coup by General Roberto Mandel. The joint official headquarters of the local opposition political parties is a mass grave located next to the national sausage factory, famous comedians are regularly shot on live television to the accompaniment of a laugh-track, and the army's Corp of Engineers is busily engaged in digging a moat around the country's border.

Today the country is named for President General Mandel's imaginary aardvark friend, but that could change on a whim. Most local insiders agree that things began to head seriously downhill after President General Mandel promulgated his famous “Decree #43,” offering fabulous cash prizes for whoever could vanquish the grinning visages of the tiny fish-creatures he sees watching him from the tiled floor of the Presidential Washroom.

The tour guides of the People's Army of the National Resistance offer vast local knowledge and experience. They also offer a warm drink made from crushed berries. You are advised to politely refuse. If they become insistent you are advised to scream at a tree until they appear uncomfortable and look the other way.

So what does a country such as The Glorious Exalted Republic of Irvingtopia offer to the casual vacationer? Thrills, excitement, exercise, and fame that's what! And it's all cheap, since the only thing you need to actually pay for is your one way airline ticket to The Glorious Exalted Republic of Irvingtopia's historic capital, the name of which must not be spoken on pain of death.

[A brief update: In accordance with Decree #142M, The Glorious Exalted Republic of Irvingtopia shall henceforth be known and referred to as: “Beulahstan”]

Once your flight is brought down by government anti-aircraft fire (in accordance with Decree #P62: “If man were meant to fly I'd have racked up a lot more frequent-flyer miles by now”), you'll find yourselves lost and helpless in the dense jungle interior of Beulahstan. Your only hope for escaping the country alive is to make contact with the People's Army of the National Resistance, a resilient band of pathologically violent Marxist guerilla fighters, struggling to overthrow the Mandelist regime.

There's nothing gets the adrenaline pumping through your system like leaping over a snake-filled jungle ravine while a large mauve tank explodes in the jungle behind you under an intense barrage of cover-fire provided by Marxist drug smugglers! And if you survive you'll be famous—with all the perks and benefits that entails! Just think, you could be the next Rob or Amber!

So just how does your vacation to the Heavy Metal Republic of Horatioland (formerly Beulahstan) bring you the benefits of fame and fortune? Well, SCWG Entertainment Corp camera crews will be filming your entire adventure for our new reality-themed TV show: Xtreme Survivor. By carefully choosing a theme likely to draw fans of the lucrative Survivor and Xtreme brands, we think we've got a hit on our hands.

The inventor of the Electric Windmill Car. He's just angry that the smart car captured the niche he was targeting.

Compete to be the first and/or only Xtreme Survivor to cross the watery border of the brutal Heavy Metal Republic of Horatioland! Additionally, contestants will be rewarded with a fanny-pack full of cocaine for each of their fellow competitors that they are able to remove from the game. Successful completion of the Drug Mule bonus round will earn you the gratitude of the shadowy drug-baron masterminds behind the Secret Conspiracy World Government's infamous Ring organization.

Meanwhile, the international outcry over the tragedy being inflicted on you and your loved ones will distract the world's attention from the ethnic cleansing of our undersea colonies under the aegis of Project Calliope.

Robertomandelia: Outplay, Outwit, Outlive!

So there you have it loyal slave-drones, a sampling of the many getaway options gratefully provided by your friends and overlords in the Secret Conspiracy World Government. Your odds of survival may stand somewhere between 19%-82% depending on which package you select, but that's just the price of laziness in this hectic day and age.

Work hard, work long, live long.